Healthy Relationships and Teen Dating Violence- Warning Signs and Prevention

Written By: Aspen Dyer, ACSW

As we approach Valentine's Day we may see a lot of teens "coupling up" or feeling pressure to begin romantic relationships. This is a natural stage for teenagers and it is completely normal to develop romantic interest and curiousity about relationships. However, teens are at an increased risk for entering into unhealthy relationships and teen dating violence. Parents can play an integral role in preventing this from happening by engaging in conversations early on and educating your children about signs of a healthy relationship as well as relationship "red flags." 

Components of Healthy Relationships

• Mutual Respect- This may look like listening when the other partner speaks, not belittling or insulting one another, and respecting differences of opinion.
• Trust and Honesty- This includes being open about feelings and plans without being fearful of the others' reaction, telling the truth even when it's hard, and not hiding things or violating one another's privacy.
• Good Communication- Partners should communicate their feelings and needs with "I" statements, check-in when something feels off, and being able to apologize and forgive as necessary.
• Balance of Power- Both partners should have equal say in plans and decision-making, and nobody should ever feel coerced or pressured by their partner. 
• Boundaries- Each person in a relationship should maintain their personal identity and interests. This includes spending time alone or with friends, having their personal space like their phone and social media respected, and not being fearful of saying "no."
• Support and Encouragement- This looks like celebrating one anothers' wins and successes and being supported in their individual pursuits. 

Ultimately, every person has their own individualized needs and standards in relationships and it can be extremely valuable to explore these needs with your teen prior to them entering a romantic relationship. 

Tips for Parents: Talking About Healthy Relationships & Teen Dating Violence

These are guidelines to make conversations more constructive and safe.

• Don’t wait until your teen is dating to bring up relationships! Conversations about respect, boundaries, consent, self-worth, communication, values, etc. can happen at any time- set the groundwork early on! Think of it as an ongoing dialogue rather than one “big talk.”
• Let your teen know that you are a safe person to talk to — even if they say something that shocks or concerns you. Avoid overreacting and connect with love and support rather than judgement. Remember- you are on the same team!
• Use open-ended questions (e.g. “What do you think makes a good partner?” or "What is important to you in a future partner?") and encourage them to share their observations about peer relationships or media examples. 
• Teens learn a lot by observing how adults handle conflict, express empathy, set boundaries, apologize, etc. Try to model respectful behavior, healthy conflict resolution, and emotional regulation at home- this makes a huge impact!
• Respect their growing independence while still checking in. Ask who they are seeing, how it’s going, if they feel comfortable, etc without pressuring them to share details they may not be ready for yet.
• Set reasonable boundaries about times, places (e.g. public settings initially), digital communication, etc. Discuss online safety and digital literacy.
• Be available to help them get out of uncomfortable situations (e.g. give them an “excuse call” if they need to leave or a text message code word if they don't feel safe).
• When your teen expresses fears, doubts, or confusion, respond with empathy rather than immediate advice or judgment.
• Acknowledge and validate how complicated relationships can be. You don’t need to have all the answers- just relate to them!
• Talk explicitly about consent, “no means no,” and how to set or refuse boundaries.

Warning Signs of Teen Dating Violence / When to Take Action

Here are red flags to watch for, in case your teen may be experiencing (or perpetrating) unhealthy or abusive behavior:

• Sudden drop in grades, somatic complaints (headaches, stomachaches)

• Withdrawal from family, friends, activities

• Unexplained injuries (bruises, cuts)

• Changes in mood: sudden irritability, anxiety, sadness

• Excessive isolation with the partner

• Overly controlling partner: checking their phone, dictating friendships, constant texting or monitoring

• Partner shows extreme jealousy, wants to know their every move

• Frequent breakups / makeups in a short time

• You notice them becoming more secretive with their phone / social media

• They minimize or justify behavior (e.g. “They were mad, but it’s okay”)

• Threats, intimidation, humiliation

If you see these, gently (not confrontationally) ask them about it, check their safety, and offer support. Be ready to connect them with help.

Counseling can be a safe space for teenagers (and adults) to explore and process their relationships without fear of judgement. Call 949-303-9106 or visit octeens.org to schedule a counseling session today.

Additional Resources:

Laura’s House — they offer outreach education, therapy groups, life skills workshops, domestic violence support. 

UCI Law Teen Dating Violence Prevention Clinic — they provide education, presentations, resource materials. 

LoveIsRespect.org — youth-centered resource about healthy relationships, boundaries, abuse, and support options.